Classic Remakes: Symptom or Disease?
posted August 19, 2008 6:56 AM
Readers who were around yesterday will recall that I expressed a certain, shall we say, alarm after encountering the trailer for the forthcoming (September 12th) remake of the 1939 George Cukor chick flick classic The Women (written and directed by Murphy Brown auteur Diane English). There are a lot of reasons for my unease about the thing, not the least of which is the notion of Meg Ryan replacing Norma Shearer as the long-suffering heroine, but the bottom line is that a contemporary film seems unlikely to have the sort of sophisticated ease of the original.
Here's a montage from the latter.
Compare and contrast it with the 2008 version...
...and I think you'll have to agree, it just doesn't seem particularly promising.
In any case, it got me (and some folks over at a certain political blog I won't name because it's proprietor doesn't link here, the swine!) thinking about some other remakes we might or might not want to see. Here's a sampling which will hopefully be good for a giggle or two.
"I eagerly await the remake of Mildred Pierce with Sandra Bullock."
"How about The Big Sleep with Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson?"
"Inherit the Wind with Adam Sandler and Vin Diesel..."
"The Maltese Falcon with Shia LaBeouf and Keira Knightly..."
"The Caine Mutiny, directed by M. Night Shamayalan. Twist ending: the strawberries were really, I dunno, aliens!"
"The Thin Man , with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter." [Hey -- like I said, it's a political blog]
"It Happened One Night with Matthew McConaughey and Paris Hilton."
"White Heat with George W. and Barbara Bush....'Top of the world, ma!' "
[Hey -- like I said, It's a political blog. Actually, I really kinda would like to see that one.]
Or how about...and this is really hilarious.... "The Day The Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves as Michael Rennie."
Oh wait -- that one's actually coming out at Christmas.
We're doomed, folks...
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Steve Simels has written about music and movies for Sound and Vision magazine (formerly Stereo Review) since the early 70s. He has also contributed to Entertainment Weekly, TV Guide and the Wall Street Journal. He’s the author of “Gender Chameleons: Androgyny in Rock n Roll” (Arbor House, 1985), and blogs at PowerPop.blogspot.com. His ambition in life is to play the Leslie Howard role in a remake of “Petrified Forest.”
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Brooklyn Girl said:
Let me repeat myself ...
The African Queen with Bruce Willis and Madonna.
Wuthering Heights with the aforementioned Keanu Reeves and Zooey Deschanel. (Sorry, Steve!)
And any part once played by Sidney Greenstreet will now be reproduced by Fred Thompson.
August 19, 2008 8:30 AM
Tara King said:
"White Heat with George W. and Barbara Bush....'Top of the world, ma!' "
[Hey -- like I said, It's a political blog. Actually, I really kinda would like to see that one.]
I thought they were already doing "The Grapes of Wrath"
August 19, 2008 8:32 AM
Tara King said:
Oh, and "The Prince and the Pauper" with the sex roles changed ... starring the Olson twins.
August 19, 2008 8:40 AM
David Derbes said:
I'm quite serious about this suggestion:
Thunder Road with Viggo Mortensen as Lucas Doolin (the original Robert Mitchum role). Sure, Viggo's got better things to do with his time, and the original is at best a B movie, but I think there's some stuff in there that would make a very much better film than we already have. And in fact nearly all the actors besides Mitchum were awful (Gene Barry wasn't so bad.)
August 19, 2008 9:04 AM
Anonymous said:
"Ill Cry Tomorrow" ,, ,starring Lindsey Lohan and Justin Timberlake --
August 19, 2008 9:24 AM
res ipsa loquitur said:
I guess it doesn't count as a "classic", but Tony Effing Scott is remaking "The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3" (with Denzel Washington in the Matthau role, for crissakes!).
There ought to be a law...
August 19, 2008 9:29 AM
Alois Kontarsky said:
Pelham's a 70s classic, and at this point the 70s feel as removed from our own time as the Pleistocene.
IMHO....
August 19, 2008 9:36 AM
Anonymous said:
"A Farewell to Arms"-- with DICK CHENY AND CONDASLEEZY RICE
August 19, 2008 9:58 AM
Atrabilious said:
I believe that Keanu would be great in the Tony Curtis role if they decide to remake "Spartacus". And perhaps Vin Diesel in the title role.
August 19, 2008 11:12 AM
Stewie Griffin said:
"Some Like it Hot" with Matthew McConaughey, Colin Farrell, and Calista Flockhart.
Fabulous!
August 19, 2008 11:32 AM
Apprentice to Darth Holden said:
"Gone With The Wind", with Moonunit Zappa in the role of Scarlet. Queen Latifa as Prissy. Samuel L. Jackson (needed for the boxoffice) as Big Sam.
And as Rhett Butler....Brad Pitt!
August 19, 2008 1:39 PM
The Kenosha Kid said:
Apocalypse Now, starring Josh Rogen. Owen Wilson as Lance the Surfer Dude, Isaac Hayes (RIP) as Chef, Will Ferrell as Colonel Kurtz...
August 19, 2008 1:42 PM
funlady said:
My favorite Bette Davis movie....Now Voyager....with Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt...
August 19, 2008 1:45 PM
Richard said:
Lawrence of Arabia, starring Adam Sandler.
Singing in the Rain, starring the cast of High School Musical.
Hamlet, starring Hayden Christensen.
August 19, 2008 1:48 PM
TinyPorcelainMouse said:
Maybe John Sayles could take a swipe at updating "Baby Doll."
August 19, 2008 1:51 PM
Brooklyn Girl said:
All About Eve with Kim Basinger in the Bette Davis role, Julia Roberts/Celeste Holm, Michael Douglas/Gary Merrill, Tom Hanks/George Sanders ... and Katie Holmes as Eve!
Eeesh.
August 19, 2008 1:58 PM
funlady said:
Random Harvest starring Greer Garson & Ronald Colman with Julia Roberts & George Clooney...or my personal favorite would be George Clooney starring in the original Zoro replacing my fav Tyrone Power....
August 19, 2008 3:23 PM
funlady said:
spellcheck.....Zorro.....
I luv those old Kate, Bette, George Brent, Tracey, Tyrone, Lana Turner, Gable, Garson, Teresa Wright, Liz, Farley Granger, Bogart & all those 40's movies...especially director Hitchcock.......It was a great era of movies...
August 19, 2008 3:33 PM
Gummo said:
res ipsa loquitur said:
I guess it doesn't count as a "classic", but Tony Effing Scott is remaking "The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3" (with Denzel Washington in the Matthau role, for crissakes!).
They were shooting in my neighborhood a month or so ago. Even took over our local subway station. Had their prop subway train parked in the station for a couple of days.
August 19, 2008 6:00 PM
Gummo said:
Speaking of abominable horrible disgusting remake ideas, whatever happened to that Star Trek "prequel"?
August 19, 2008 6:02 PM
mndean said:
C'mon, The Maltese Falcon was made three times in ten years, once as a detective comedy (the success of The Thin Man caused that attempt, I'll bet, no Hammett-based film was very successful until that one).
Not that I could see a remake today with any contemporary actor as anything but a gruesome parody. Besides, they already tried a parody remake with The Black Bird.
If they did remake it, once they found the Falcon wasn't real, Spade wouldn't bother to turn in his partner's killer, but would go with the gang and try for the Falcon again, have hot sex with Effie, Brigid and Iva on the way to Istanbul (he'd dump Iva overboard in the Mediterranean when he tired of her again), Gutman and Wilmer will have a tender reconciliation while Cairo watches, sucking his cane (and whatever else comes handy)furiously. Gotta keep with the times, and it's all about the Benjamins, and who cares about one dead PI when there's millions to be had. The entire cast could be played by Tom Cruise, in a bid to be claimed the most versatile actor in showbiz. Peter Travers will call it a masterpiece.
August 19, 2008 7:31 PM